Wonderful World of Ashley

... Lama sudah tak berjumpa ... Lama sudah ku menunggu ... Khabar berita darimu ...

Remember that song by Ramlah Ram? Old school, I know!! Hahahahaha. But it keeps playing in my head whenever I am thinking of him. My heart is aching after not seeing him for a longggggg time now. I miss him soooooooooo muchhhhhh. Everytime I walked at places where our eyes met, I will start to reminisce. Every thing is crystal clear in my head. Wonder what is he up to at this very minute.....

Thankfully for my busy schedule right now with my current "project" which is totally out of my element, I have managed to distract myself a bit more. Nonetheless, that was what I was looking for to begin with and I am enjoying every bit of it. More interactions with new people of all races and levels. The sweetest part, I am being paid for it! Woohoo!!!

Anyways, it has not been all down for me. In fact, it has been such a wonderful weekends.

Started with Lewis Hamilton winning the F1 Champion at the Brazil Grand Prix. Yes people, he is a Gooner!!!

Followed by the historic win of Barack Obama. He will make a great leader. About time for a change in the US of A.

Arsenal 2 - 1 Manchester United. Adrenaline is still pumping baby! Enough to shut all the Manc fans.

And and and... the bestest of the best parts, N called after the game. Yes, all the way from UK. That was the first instead of texting. So so so wonderful to hear this voice again. Can't wait to see this gorgeous man again very very soon. Yay!!

(Hans Isaac the Ang-Moh version?)

Lastly.... enjoy this video and song!!! hahahahahahahaha

 ... time to make more of it. Not that I am greedy but I'd rather spend my time by making money than spending more money that I clearly do not have that much?

Earn more, save more. In aid to pursue my ultimate dream. One day. It will happen. InsyaAllah.

Tomorrow onwards, I will start to slog but I am not complaining.

Wish me luck peeps!

If only money does grow on trees...

What are the odds of having a song titled as your birthdate? Cool eh? Not only it has a nice melody but the lyric is pretty romantic and fairy-tale like. I loike~~ Who knows, it might really happen on 11 January?

11 Januari

.... about time. Don't think I can do this anymore. Walls have been built right now to protect myself. It's tiring to feel happy and sad and hurt and disappointed, all in a short space of time. So... it's best I am left alone. By myself. At least for now. Let me go on and search for that happiness which I think I truly deserved.

PS - You went through a year without me so I am sure you can do it again this time. Not like you'll be left alone. You have two others closest with you now. You may say you're not happy but sometimes, pictures do tell a thousand words and they don't lie. I'll leave you to it... Take care. God bless.

.... one of my many many many favourites. Never fail to get them every morning at the bus interchange. It's made from sweet potatoes and coated with sugar. Just so yummy!

These kueh keria reminds me of him. He likes this as much as I do and he used to buy them everyday. Oh well... (kueh pun boleh bring back memories eh?)

... is it really Friday tonight? If it is, what an uneventful Friday I am having. Sitting here on my bed with my laptop on my lap (DUH!), with the rain pouring outside, just done with bawling and a lengthy conversation with one of my closest friends about life and relationships.

As you may know, things have gone sour with him. Quite frankly, I do not know why. It has been slightly more than a fortnight since my last sms to him. Till now, still no official news from him. In fact, he is currently not using the number. We still see each other at times on the bus though. It truly hurts and it is not helping when I am trying to get over this episode. The strange part, we were never an item or even went out on a date but why oh why am I feeling this way?

Whatever he is up to now - be it seeing someone else, back with his ex-gf or just avoiding me for no apparent reason - I only wish him well. Hope he will be happy with what he is looking for.

O Allah... for you who I seek help. Please give me the strength to get over the days with loads of calmness and a mind fill with serenity. I am sure You are the only one who can truly understands what I am feeling right now and You are the one who can heal me.

Amen.

24.09.2008 - "You won't feel like making that first move today, no matter how hot the other person is. But that doesn't mean you won't have any romantic encounters. Let someone approach you this time."

Spot on on that last sentence. About bloody time I take a sit back, relax and enjoy...

Malay radio stations have started to air the Hari Raya songs on full blast. Heard one this morning, the sad one by Siti Nurhaliza - Airmata Syawal. Sedih and sayu. While I can't wait for Raya to come, I am overwhelmed with sadness too when flashbacks came to mind.

Remember how we were young, carefree and happy in celebrating Hari Raya? Enjoyed doing all the "collection" from the elders. Never failed to watch the kids' Hari Raya programme shows. We even recorded it so we can keep replaying it on every other day. Planned and organised Hari Raya visits to friends' and teacher's houses. Took the buses and trains together in our baju kurung. Sigh. I really miss my childhood days during Hari Raya. What about you?

iChoke.

PS - My 2nd Hari Raya being single unless ..........

PPS - One of my many favourite Hari Raya songs

PPPS - Can't wait to see my darling niece to don all her new baju kurung. I tell you... she has a lot to parade this Syawal!!! Watch for pictures!

Feeling very melancholic this morning. I truly am missing someone for days although I know I am not being missed in return. Silly eh?

I wish he is Here by Me....

This is what my horoscope has to say for today. Again, the word "perseverance" came about. Yes, I am determined to find the way out to these.

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Nothing feels as good to you as whatever music you find most appealing. If you can get away with headphones at work, rock out (or Bach out, if that's your thing) and let your cares drizzle away.

Perseverance is very important in your love life right now. If someone hasn't yet noticed you, then keep trying. You won't stay in the shadows forever.

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...yes it has. I am such a total mess emotionally. So many things happened at a short time. And they only represented sadness, not happiness. How do I shake all these away from my system? With a good, hard cry.

Scene 1 - This is the guy I went gaga with. Still is. All was well until recently. Frankly, I have no idea why or what is the cause. Perhaps people just changed overnight? I don't know. It hurtful when the person is treating you with all smiles at one point and invisible the next. If I have the power of Sylar, I will open up his head and brain to see what is inside. Prolly I might just find some rusty manners that need a good clean polish. Who knows!

Scene 2 - Someone I once dated. We were never hostile even after the break up despite all the shits we went through all the 2.5 years together. Only recently, he was ready to meet me after like what? A year? Anyways, being me, I hold no grudges. And so we met up and from there, we got closer again. In fact, worryingly too close that I might have secretly developed feelings towards him again. Deny all I might but only I know the truth. But this is just too impossible. The thoughts of us reconciling is out of the question for reasons only known to me and as I have made my promise, I shall not divulge nor share with anyone. Right now, I am stuck! And so is he.

Scene 3 - Met up a galpal for a break fast. Unbeknownst to me, she had secretly arranged for her boyfriend and his friend to join us. What the .....? I was a little upset at first honestly because I felt like I had been set up which is something I dislike totally. But to show her some respect, I went along. So ok, he seems nice and decent, yaddi, yadda. He was kind enough with his offer to send me home on his bike but sorry matey, I do not ride bike with someone I barely know. My only time in riding a motorbike with a man was with my dad and my ex-boyfriend. That was it. And I was grateful, he respected my decision. Yes, he has already sent me some texts, courtesy of my galpal who gave him my number.

Scene 4 - This is the most bizarre and unexpected. At 6 am, I thought it was my mobile's alarm but it was actually an incoming message alert. Bad news came straight to mind! Thankfully it was nothing at all. In fact, it was a text from someone who used to date someone I know. He said some nice things about me and he was thinking of me the whole night, probably due to the number of times we bumped into each other when we were out. This is a total shock! I truly did not foresee this to come. In fact, I still think I am asleep.

Yes my beloved peepz.... how eventful my life has been eh? So you understand now why I am in such state? I really really really do not know what to do. Go with the flow is the best solution but as a Capricorn, we do not do that. We want things to be certain. I do not know anymore seriously.

Ok.. just out of curiosity, if you beautiful people are in my shoes for the day, who will you cross out of your life and choose instead? Come on, let's share now. Start voting!

PS - OK, I need to buy a new bedsheet before Hari Raya. I know this has nothing to do with the blog or the poll but it just came to mind. He he he.

... God knows how I have tried.

You can go on pretending not to see me, ignoring even my friendliest sms. Although it hurt but that's how petty and childish some people are, I think.

For me, I hold no grudges. I don't get angry easily. Even if I do, it will go away in a matter of seconds.

I supposed the rest is up to you now because I do not know what else to do. Write you a letter? Ambush you? Stalk you? Not good. You can't force someone, can you?

This is it from me. I give up. Game over. Back to reality. At least, I know one day I can look back and laugh over this whole experience.

- iTried

That feeling.... came back into my life again.

When I woke up this morning, I felt a strong feeling of loneliness with my heart beating gazillion times faster, and all you wanted to do is to cry it out. The exact same feeling I felt every morning after I broke up more than a year ago.

Fell asleep in the middle of the day. Only to be woken up by an incoming call. Took a quick look at the number. Deep deep deep down, I was still hoping he would call me. Alas, it was someone else. Then the feeling started again. Alone. Sad. Disappointed. Crushed.

Why? Do I really have to go through this ordeal again? In times like this, I wish I am at a place that never fails to bring happiness into my life - London.

- iMiss

 ... which I received at the wee hour....

Someone from UK just informed me of the possibility of coming near to my region is almost becoming a reality! Might even stop by Singapore! I'm super ecstatic!!!

*crossing fingers*

How can someone be so insensitive? Be so careless with other people's feelings? Be so unaffected? When I am trying my best. Trying to conceal the hurt. All someone need to do is to be frank and honest. Afterall, honesty is the best policy.

I am potentially heading towards this way after I have accidentally fallen in love. iKnow iHeal. But to go through the process is hellish. I am totally disappointed in how things are turning out. How I wish it never happened to begin with.

Happy Ramadhan to all Muslims!!

What did you have this morning? I woke up at 5.30am but still managed some prawn cracker and a glass of apple juice. It 1st of Ramadhan today so I know I can last.

Now... what's there for break fast? Heh.

...Group Stage was drawn yesterday. Here is Group G:

Arsenal

FC Porto

FC Fenerbahce

Dynamo Kiev

Tough tough group!! It is a nightmare to travel to Ukraine. Hostile to travel to Turkey. Porto, the once-champion, is the hardest opponent. Nonetheless, I believe the boys will go a fantastic job and advance to Round 16.

As always Manc and Chelski got relatively easier opponents! Do you think the draw is fixed?!?!?!

What luck!

... since my Batam trip was postponed, I signed up for a charity event organised by NUS, held on last Saturday at Singapore Association for Visually Handicapped (SAVH) at Toa Payoh Rise. My aunty is a permanent staff there.

There are different types of VH - fully blind, partially blind, born blind, blind due to some diseases, etc. I also learn the proper and sensitive way in offering guidance/help to them. And do not feel insulted if they refuse your help. That only means they want to be and feel independant.

A group of volunteer students from Clementi Westwood joined in the event as well. What happened on that day was.. we had a mini-telematch and a treasure hunt. You must be wondering, a treasure hunt? How in the world would they be able to participate? That's how narrow our mind always worked. The game has been carefully planned by a group of international students and it covered the whole area of SAVH centre. All "buddy" were assigned with 1 VH. Those with a perfect sight, read the clues while the VHs directed us to the places - since they know the surrounding way better than us - to collect our puzzle clues. Amazing isn't it?

The best part of this event is to see how excited and enthusiastic everyone was. They were so cheerful and laughing all the time. And they did not give up! They keep searching for the puzzles until the end. That alone put a smile and a tear on my face.

During a break, Steven entertained us by playing a couple of songs - Beyond the Sea and a Malay 60's song - on his electric guitar. Oh my!!! He is super talented and I am totally captivated. Never been serenaded like that before!

At the end of the day, I went home with one of the VHs as we were heading towards the same direction. John is an amazing and a very positive person! He lost his vision for more than 10years now but... when you speak to him, he will look directly at you in the eyes as if he is not blind at. He is blessed with 2 kids - both are doing well academically in NTU and Poly.

I must admit, it is such a fulfilling event. In fact, this is a far better experience compared to the time I was helping out at the Haven - halfway home for the kids. I learn a great deal today and it made me realised one thing - I, being fit and all.. worry too much over such trivial matters while them, with a sight taken away from them.. are still living in a positive way and having the right perspective in life.

My next plan is to sign up for the "Dinner in the Dark" where you will be taking dinner in a dark room being served by the VHs. This is to bring realisation to everyone in treasuring the gift that is given to us - sight. And if time permits one day, I would like to to extend my hand to cancer-stricken kids or kids with austism.

I, Ashley, am humbled by this whole experience.

What a great date today - 20.08.2008. Some even go as far as saying it's a lucky date. Maybe to some....

But to me... it is a day where I have decided to shutdown all my systems. It is a day not to be remembered certainly. It is a day where a new life will be born into this world. "You" know how heartbroken I am with this news but like I told you, I will try to be happy for you. Will always be there for you nonetheless. It's nothing much but it's all I have to offer.

And to the other "you", your text this morning came a little too late. I have decided that I can no longer be bothered waiting and wondering. So, if you're sincere enough, prove it to me.

And to the last "you"... I am still fucking resentful at you for ruining my life, my plan. You did not even have the balls to come face-to-face to tell me it's over. Up to now. All you managed was a SORRY. Sorry mate, your sorry means nothing to me! Fucking arrogant bastard. Ain't it funny that your ex-gf did not want you back after all?